


This Is Probably Good Enough (It Isn't)

by Nautilusopus



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: (everyone who matters anyway), Ambiguity, Collateral Damage, Denial, Domestic Fluff, Everyone Is Alive, Gen, Heavy Angst, Mental Link, Not a Happy Story, Post-Canon, Puppet Cloud Strife, This is about relationships but it's still genfic shhh don't question it, dirge and crisis core still not canon will never be canon neener neener neener, how am use tag???, mortifying ordeal of being known so on and so forth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 02:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19984285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nautilusopus/pseuds/Nautilusopus
Summary: Cloud only has so much to give. Eventually he runs out.Zack learns to make do with what's left.(Birthday present for Juju!)





	This Is Probably Good Enough (It Isn't)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WaifuJuju](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaifuJuju/gifts).



> Happy Birthday Juju!
> 
> This fic has been front-loaded with as many things as possible that I hope cater specifically towards your tastes. And it's only an entire fucking week late. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Seriously seriously sorry, hope this is to your liking (or at least is something that vaguely elicits non-hostile emotions). 
> 
> "Squid what the fuck this isn't a chapter either"
> 
> shhhhhhhhhhh quiet time now (it's coming pretty soon i promise)
> 
> Thanks to deathrebirthsenshi for the quick beta.

He isn't really the same after the Advent, but that's alright. Really, it is.

He's -- quieter, that's for sure. Contrasting how loud he'd screamed right at the very end, as Sephiroth, body destroyed, dug one last claw into the only thing that could keep him tethered, forcing his way into Cloud's mind. And he'd fought, even longer than he had with sword and magic -- a good twenty minutes or so of him kneeling in the midst of all the rubble, curled in on himself, while the only thing anyone else could do was sit there and watch.

Sephiroth had put up one hell of a fight, too, from the looks of it; the way he twitched and shuddered, the way his hand spasmed towards his sword occasionally, the manic grin that twisted itself into an expression of anguish and back again. As battered as he was, they didn't dare go near him to try and tend to his wounds -- and none of them could get into his head. This was the one fight he really was on his own for.

But he'd fought, the way he'd never have been able to do two years ago, and they were so, so proud of him -- they still are, in fact, and nothing will take that away, the fact that he fought, and he won, burned Sephiroth out of himself, and by extension the Lifestream, paving the way for Aeris to get through to the Planet and usher in a gentle rain that cleansed the sores from their skin. Perhaps if she'd been in the Lifestream she'd have been able to help a bit sooner, but that was a sacrifice she wasn't entirely willing to make. Even if he... well...

Whether Sephiroth had taken it deliberately out of spite, it had been a matter of collateral damage as he fought to maintain a foothold, or if it had simply been too much for Cloud and he'd given every last bit of what he'd had and ended up with nothing left, they couldn't be sure. But after that, he's different.

Most people tend to be with their free will ripped clean away from them.

They thought he'd died at first, when the screaming died down and he went still. But he was still breathing. He'd wake up soon, they reasoned. He'd wake up, and he'd be fine.

He sits quietly these days unless ordered to do otherwise, eyes empty. Zack would think Cloud was bored if he didn't realise he wasn't capable of it. He's taken to -- suggesting, not ordering, it's suggesting -- him to accomplish little tasks. Simple things, like folding laundry, or arranging some rocks he'd brought in from the outside from smallest to largest. The idea, he hopes, is that perhaps doing these things will spark something in him -- some kind of preference or dislike towards anything, or have a single thought about what he's doing. And besides, it seems cruel to just let him sit there motionless like a piece of furniture until his body gives out and he passes out from exhaustion, which is really the only way he manages to sleep anymore. Even if he is "okay" with it.

Zack hasn't come up with anything for him to do today, so sit there he does. Not that he minds. Glassy eyes, bright green with slitted pupils, stare blankly ahead, not focused on anything in particular. Zack sits next to him.

"Vinny's dropping by in a bit," he says. Cloud gives little indication he's heard him. He knows he can, obviously, or he wouldn't be able to -- listen to suggestions, not follow orders, they're _suggestions_ \-- he simply has no thoughts of his own on what he's said. Still... there's a scrap of him in there, somewhere. Cloud knows who they are. He knows _who_ he is. He remembers Zack, and Nanaki, and Tifa, and Barret, and everyone. Seems to enjoy their presence, in his own way. If Zack -- _suggests_ that he get a tool to fix something, he'll bring the correct one even if Zack wouldn't have known which screwdriver was the right one himself. He even smiles sometimes, even if it's with the same bland contentment he does everything else with. So... that's a start isn't it? It's just a slow one. It's alright.

"We should get dressed up for the occasion," he said. "Go out for lunch. That might be neat, right?"

He'd have to dye Cloud's hair. It had gone white over the first few weeks and had remained that way ever since. Brown, maybe? Would he like brown? Black would probably help him blend in a little better, since blond would stick out like a sore thumb in Wutai. He'd have to remind Yuffie to do something with it. White wouldn't be well-received by the general public.

Yuffie's the one he lives with these days, something Tifa had agreed to extremely reluctantly and Denzel was wholeheartedly against. No one can afford to devote full time to him to make sure he isn't just... sitting there, but being royalty has its perks. And more importantly, however much the palace has fallen from its former glory, it's still isolated and the staff are willing to shut their mouths -- something much harder to maintain living above a customer-filled bar, or in Zack's flat in southern Junon, or even in a quiet town surrounded by other houses. It was better than winding up in a padded cell, at least.

It makes visits a little annoying. Zack's been making good progress towards buying a place of his own in Wutai. It took him a little while to recover after they found him half dead in a pipe in the slums, but he's finally back on his feet. Aeris's business has been booming, now that there's more soil around that can actually support plant life, and she's gone from moving into Cloud's old room to help pick up the financial slack he's left to contracting Zack out to sell her wares in Junon. So, Aeris was doing okay, which meant Tifa was doing okay, and that meant Denzel was doing okay. And Barret and Marlene came by to visit more often, now that there were flowers growing all throughout Seventh Heaven, so that was good too. Zack got to sell those flowers, and it made a lot of people happy, and pretty soon he'd wind up moving to Wutai himself. So he's fine too. Really.

It'll have to be close by. If Cloud would catch a few odd looks in public, an actual former Soldier isn't going to be even remotely welcome there. And he wants to be there if --

\-- **when** Cloud wakes up.

"...I brought you something," says Zack. "Guess what it is?"

Cloud doesn't guess. Cloud can't come up with ideas on his own, much less hope for a specific outcome.

"...Close your eyes," he tries instead, his voice strained. And Cloud closes them.

Zack sets an orange plastic box in his lap, and has Cloud grab it and open his eyes.

"Brought it all the way from Edge," says Zack. "Your room could use a little decoration, and you probably missed these."

Nothing happens for a beat or two until Zack has him nod and smile, his own chest clenching painfully. He knows Cloud knows what that box is. It's the toolset he bought him as a "sorry I disappeared for a year but can we pick up where we left off anyway" apology present. It's still completely unopened -- Cloud quietly declared it too important to actually use, afraid he'd break it somehow.

Cloud stares at it now, indifferent, and Zack has him get up and set it down against a wall. He'd have to get him some shelving or something, too.

His phone buzzes. It's Cid, having arrived with Vincent, and neither of them know the way to this place yet. He gives Cloud's hand a small squeeze as a goodbye, and --

Cloud distinctly squeezes back.

Zack swallows the lump in his throat. From what he can tell over the few times he’s done this, it seems like it's just muscle memory -- the way he knows he's "supposed" to respond, a wordless suggestion -- order, they're orders, it's a fucking order. But... it's still him. It's still Cloud. There has to be some part of him still there. He's just taking his time recovering. It's fine.

...In a way, Zack isn't a hundred percent sure that's not actually the case. Or...

It's an awful thought, but it sneaks up on him from time to time because maybe there's the smallest nugget of truth to it.

Is it all that terrible, that he's like this now? He's calm. He doesn't wake in the middle of the night from dreams he can't have anymore, or worry that he isn't doing enough when he can't even feel discomfort. Not unless Zack wants him to, which he doesn't. He's at peace. His eyes no longer shift between Zack's knees and his actual face, as though he were committing some grave sin by daring to look him in the eye, or sulk for the next week because he's taken it as a personal insult that Aeris, gods forbid, called in an official repair service instead of allowing him to fix the wiring in her bedroom. There's no need for a tool to feel things, but Zack has him feel anyway -- it's better if he's happy, right?

So maybe he likes being like this. He doesn't have to make his own decisions and worry about them being the wrong ones. He doesn't have to be afraid. He trusts Zack, so maybe he doesn't mind the orders -- it's not as though he'd make Cloud hurt himself. He can't think on his own to make himself unhappy. Maybe he really, honestly does enjoy this. And Zack's overcome with the urge to shake him at times like that, to scream in his face, because how _dare_ he put them all through this -- how dare he put _him_ through this, after everything they went through --

And there's a worse thought besides that one, and it's that maybe _Zack_ likes him like this too.

He doesn't need anything from Zack, except to be ordered to keep himself alive. He could leave Cloud in an empty room and he'd still be every bit as content as if Zack was there. Some days it was just _hard_ to deal with his own anxieties on top of Cloud's. And sometimes -- sometimes Cloud was a fucking asshole about it, there was no way around that fact. And sometimes they try their absolute best to accommodate one another, but Cloud wants him -- _needs_ him there more than Zack is able to be and it's just... tiring.

This Cloud, though... this one can be there for Zack without ever needing anything in return. This one's happy because he's made him happy.

So maybe Cloud isn't the one impeding his own recovery.

He isn't sure which one is worse.

He won't think about that. He won't. Zack tells that to himself on the way out the door. Cloud is fine -- no, he's -- he's not fine, he's sick. But he's going to be better soon. So it's alright.

Really.


End file.
